


Pain

by Intheblackholeoffandoms



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, I'm Sorry, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28048551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Intheblackholeoffandoms/pseuds/Intheblackholeoffandoms
Summary: The Doctor has two hearts. That's a lot of pain for one person to carry.
Relationships: Eleventh Doctor & Amy Pond & Rory Williams, Eleventh Doctor & Clara Oswin Oswald, Ninth Doctor/Rose Tyler, Tenth Doctor & Donna Noble, Tenth Doctor & Martha Jones, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler, The Doctor/River Song, Twelfth Doctor & Clara Oswin Oswald
Kudos: 9





	Pain

The Doctor feels too deeply. Two hearts may give a great capacity to love, but heartbreak can destroy. With every regeneration, comes new pain. 2000 years should have made the Doctor heartless. 2000 years should have made the Doctor immune to pain. But the Doctor is not. The Doctor feels pain so strong it could kill. 

9

The Doctor carries the horror of the Time War with him. It haunts every single step he takes and every decision he makes. HE cannot escape it. Until he meets Rose. Then his sorrow is pushed to the side by love. A love that consumes and distracts. He loves her so much. He cannot bear to see her sadness as he regenerates. He promises himself he will show how deep his love is once he is a new man. 

10 

The Doctor loves Rose with a burning intensity. HE has never loved anyone in this way and may never again. He waits and waits for the right moment to show how much he cares. It never does. Their happiness is taken from them before he can speak. The separation nearly drives him mad. He loves her as much as he ever did and so does not register anyone else. Seeing her again is the greatest moment of his life - to give her up again widens the wound. He gives her the other him. He hopes this Doctor does not feel so keenly. 

He saves the universe (again). He loses Donna. He is alone. Alone is never good for the Doctor. Time Lord Victorious. Convinced he can control the universe. All his anger is poured into it. It does not work in the end. His feelings destroy him. 

What pains him the most is River. The woman who knew his name. Who clearly had known and loved him for many years. He saw the pain in her eyes when he did not know her. He bitterly regrets her death. He both fears and longs for the day he sees her again. 

11

The next Doctor cares too much about everything. He learns again that anger is never the best choice. Demons run when a good man goes to war. His anger blinds him. His anger means the child is taken. 

The loss of Amy and Rory takes something from him like never before. He hides away. Unable to come to terms with his grief. They spent so long together he doesn't know how to go. He is alone - though Amy told him not to be- until the word Pond. Though he is still hurting, it reminds him of what he was. What he is. 

And River. He loves her so much. He falls in love slowly then all at once. It pains him that he knows how their story ends but he carries on all the same. He keeps her in his hearts and sees her everywhere even after he knows she is dead. He can't let go of her.

12 

The Doctor looks older now. The pain and years of his life can be seen on his face now. Before just his eyes were old. Now all who look on him can understand how deeply this man has felt. 

Anger. That is what he feels when Clara is taken from him. He wants revenge. He wants to forget her reminder not to be angry. He does. He takes 2 billion years of pain and then reeks his vengeance on Gallifrey. He breaks the rules to get her back and it doesn't work. When he forgets her, the pain is gone form the forefront of his mind but is still there, lingering on. 

It nearly destroys him to hear River declare he does not love her. Every part of him wants to yell at her that he does, he always has, he will never stop. He takes 24 years to demonstrate his love. He makes sure she knows every day to make up for lost time. He makes his adoration known. But then she has to go. He cannot bear to say goodbye. He hates endings and this is one of the worst. He never forgets her. 

13 

The Doctor still feels as much as those who came before her. She tries not to show it. She buries it deep within her. She does not speak about her pain to the fam. 

Sometimes it spills out. The Cyberman is her undoing. Too many of those she has known and cared for have been taken by the cybermen. Bill is clearest in her mind. She promises herself that no more of her friends will die like that. Deep down she knows that she cannot keep that promise. And she knows that she will forever care too deeply and that as the Doctor this is something she must watch. The hearts cannot overtake the head for that is when everything goes wrong. 

Sometimes two hearts are too much to bear.


End file.
